


Ask Calus

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-11-23
Updated: 2006-11-27
Packaged: 2019-01-19 16:27:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12413757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: Calus is the new Agony Aunt of the Daily Prophet. He's rude, mean, and blatantly honest about all, except his identity. Hermione Granger, immune to the obsession with him as the rest of the world (namely: Ginny) seems to be, goes undercover as an editor to uncover the truth about him. She gets so much more…





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

  
Author's notes: 1  


* * *

Who is Calus?

**_ ASK CALUS _ **

**_Dear Calus,_ **

****

**_I am 102 and a widower of three years. My wife died in a car accident; no healer could save her. Although I know I should move on now, I just cannot. I miss her too much, Calus. My children and friends tell me I should go out and date women, to let my wife, Ruby, go; but I feel like that would be disrespecting her. What should I do, Calus?_ **

****

**_-Dufftown Deceased Lover_ **

_Dear Dufftown,_

_You bloody imbecile, she is dead! Your wife “Ruby” is never coming back, you pathetic man. She is six feet under and unless she chose to return as a ghost—which I doubt since I know if I were married to such a sad excuse for a wizard, I would look to the afterlife as a way out for myself—you're never going to see her again, got it? Moreover, you should not even try to date because you will probably just sit there boring your dates to death with stories of your wife. Here is what you should do: stop writing newspapers because they aren’t going to give you the answer you want, all right? Go out and get drunk at a pub every night because there is nothing else for you._

**_Dear Calus,_ **

****

**_I read your column everyday, watching as poor souls write to you for advice and you give them the worst sort on top of an insult. Don’t you know that these people look up to you? They need your help, help from an admired person. You influence many people, Calus, and as such should watch what you say. In addition, quit being so mean! I will admit that even though I have no clue who you really are or what you look like, I don’t like you._ **

****

**_-Empathetic from London_ **

_Empathetic,_

_You don’t like me? Then why do you read my bloody column? If you don’t like what I say then quit picking up the damn paper and reading this! In addition, I will not glaze everything with icing just because you think I’m mean. I will say whatever the bleeding gargoyles I want to say and there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it. And those “poor souls” that write in? If they really want my advice, let them ask for it. Because if they wanted some psychiatry-type bullshit you'd probably give them, they would be asking you, now wouldn’t they?_

It was the newest thing to hit the magical part of London. No one knew where it came from but the “Ask Calus” column just suddenly appeared in _The_ _Daily Prophet_ , throwing out insults. Ginny couldn’t get enough of it, and I suspect, harboured fantasies about this mystery man.

I tried to point out that this could be some two hundred year-old pervert and also that she was married but she was quite like a person refusing to get wet while standing out in the rain sans umbrella

To be honest though, I was curious as to whom the mystery writer was; who _was_ this Calus person and where did he get off thinking we should hear what he said?

I read his column everyday trying to get a small peek into the man—he’d stated in one of his earlier columns that he was male—behind the curtain. And being a reporter for _The Quibbler_ —which had become a rather credible newspaper after the article on Harry—I could do one better. 

I wasn’t looking to make the front page; I was just looking to reveal the identity of Calus. Also, I thought, if Ginny’s fantasy image of him was ruined, she’d stop obsessing over him. Therefore, I decided to go undercover and apply for a job at _The_ _Daily Prophet_ , with the advice of my boss, Mr. Robert Lovegood, and my promise to publish my findings.

__________________________________________________________________________

A/N: Ah, just the prologue. Calus’ column was loosely, _very_ loosely, inspired by the movie, Talk Radio. And I am certain you lot can figure out where I got the name for Calus. Since all you FA lovers are all so bloody intelligent, it’s terrifying. 

Many thanks to my lovely betas, in alphabetical order, the brilliant BJ Bales and the joyful Jane Average. Any mistakes you see were done prior to their editing and are completely my fault.

Please be dears and review! Tell me _precisely what you thought of it_. Leave nothing out!

I will update at least once a week. It’s all ready. It just wants to wait. 

Next chappie…we meet Hermione’s alter ego… 


	2. Meet Lucy Puckle

Disclaimer: All the HP characters belong to JKR and Warner Bros. Etc. None of the one's you might have seen in the HP series is mine. The rest, however, are my fabulous creations and if you want to play with them, you can if you ask permission first:-D

Meet Lucy Puckle

“I thank you for meeting with me, Miss…” The squat, white-haired man peered down his nose through his wire-rimmed spectacles at my application. “Puckle.”

“Oh, do call me Lucy, won't you?” I batted my eyelashes in the epitome of innocence. Lucy Puckle was actually my mother’s maiden name and since she was a Muggle, I knew there was less chance of the name getting traced back to my mother, since muggle names are hardly in the wizarding directory--or my future employer, Mr. Dennis, remembering it.

Right then, he glanced up at me with his watery blue eyes, his eyebrows arched high in what he probably thought was a kindly way but actually made him look a bit creepy. His extraordinarily short fingers traced the lines of the paper as his eyes followed. “Well, Miss—Lucy, it says here that you were once an editor on a Muggle paper, _The London Query_ , is that right? I've never heard of it, I'm afraid.”

I was quick on the ball with my lie. “It was a small tabloid weekly newsletter but went out of business because of the competition. You can still speak with my former boss there, Mr. Allen Wilson.” Mr. Lovegood was going to pose as an Allen Wilson if needed.

Mr. Dennis nodded. “You were the head editor?”

I shook my head. “No sir, I only did bits. I actually quit a short time prior to their closing down. I had never been fond of slander. And that was what I was doing, helping to falsify tales. Well…” I smiled. “I _edited_ false tales.”

Mr. Dennis’ gaze levelled on mine and I could tell he was not a gullible man. It was a good thing I’d rehearsed this interview repeatedly in front of my mirror, since I hadn’t lied when I said I couldn’t tell fibs very well. “Why did you work for a Muggle newspaper, then, and not a wizarding one?”

I shrugged. “I grew up around Muggles, and after fighting in the war, I decided I would have a bit of a break, you know, to submerge myself into simplicity. Can you blame me?” Acting as if I was somewhat new to all the magical events would lead any suspicion away that I was actually here to find the identity of Calus. In the past few weeks, there had been many other news syndications buzzing about his articles.

The overhead candles, obviously charmed because they were each glowing as bright as fluorescent lights, illuminated Mr. Dennis’ bald head, casting a glare directly into my eyes as he looked down at my application and turned it over before looking back at me. “I am afraid the only editing position we currenly have open is pretty small, mainly dealing with reviews and small columns. Does this sound like something you are interested in doing?”

Am I interested?? I could possibly have Calus himself hand me his work! Then I could be out of here in no time! I gushed in the most feminine way, “Oh, that’s just fine. All I wanted to do was work here for this fine newspaper.” _Fine?_ They used to make up rumours about Harry and me!

We arranged for me to arrive at _The Daily Prophet_ headquarters the next day, my first day as Lucy Puckle: Editor.

***************************************************************************

A/N: I swear these chappies get longer. I promise. 

And any questions as to where I got the name Puckle: It was the original last name JKR had for Hermione. 

Well, thanks for the reviews. I don't know if I said this but there will be eleven chappies in all. They are all written but I am only uploading one at a time because I… I just feel like it. *shrugs*

Next chappie: Hermione makes a new friend. 


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